


painting neon under our skin

by gbyesummer (shouldshy)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Domestic Fluff, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Gen, Genderbending, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-08-10 07:43:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7836079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shouldshy/pseuds/gbyesummer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a collection of baeksoo drabbles/short fics based on Against the Current's music.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Another You (Another Way)

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of these were written years ago, so expect former members and old fanon/fandom references.
> 
> Another You (Another Way): slight angst, semi-canon, broken baeksoo, chenbaek, platonic kaisoo & chansoo

_If I want to tell you how I feel without breaking all that we've made_

 

* * *

 

M is back in Korea, but it's hard for Kyungsoo to be happy about it when it means he sleeps alone.

He lies curled up with his back to the door, trying to fall asleep. It's difficult without the usual pillow talk to tire him out.

The door opens, light spilling into the dark room. He hears a sigh. Footsteps cross the floor and come around the bed to stop in front of him. It's Jongin. Kyungsoo closes his eyes and pretends to sleep.

The younger pulls the covers back and slips in with him. He lifts Kyungsoo's head and slides his arm underneath, letting the other use it as a pillow. "Do you want to talk?"

Kyungsoo shakes his head and places his hand on Jongin's elbow. "Just sleep."

 

 

 

 

M is back in China, and Baekhyun slips into Kyungsoo's bed when it's time to sleep, Jongin glaring at his back as they talk into the night.

 

 

 

M is back in Korea, but it's hard for Kyungsoo to be happy about it when it means he's pushed aside.

Jongin slides into the room in the middle of the night after a late shower, not surprised to see him still awake though everyone else is asleep. He takes a blanket and pillow from his bed over to him, draping the blanket over the elder and placing the pillow between them. Kyungsoo's hand comes up to rest on it. Jongin laces their fingers together.

When he wakes up, Kyungsoo's back is to him, pillow in a tight grip.

 

 

 

M is back in China, and Baekhyun tucks his head under Kyungsoo's chin as the other wraps his arms around him.

M is back in Korea, and Jongin is out rehearsing. Kyungsoo lets himself sit in the living room with the few who are at the dorms and still awake. He lets himself sit in the living room, trying to keep his eyes on the TV and not on Baekhyun and Jongdae curled up on the floor sharing a blanket.

He lets himself sit in the living room until he sees Baekhyun turn to whisper something in Jongdae's ear. Only he's not whispering. Kyungsoo sees a flash of teeth before Jongdae swats at him and they both have smirks on their faces. He stands and tells everyone he's going to bed.

He tries to sleep holding his pillow tight, legs wrapped around it, but sleep doesn't come.

The group in the living room eventually quiets and all the lights turn off. His roommates are out on individual schedules, and he is alone.

He hears the front door open, socked feet padding down the hallway, and, surprisingly, his door opens. He hadn't been expecting Jongin back so soon.

The person who climbs into bed behind him isn't Jongin--he's too tall. He heard Sehun and Tao go to sleep, which means it must be--"Chanyeol?"

"Hi, go back to sleep, sorry," his deep voice rumbles.

"Don't you have filming?" He should be sleeping at the Roommate house.

"Hmm? I talked to the managers, and the directors were okay with it."

"Why?"

"I missed you."

He turns over to look at him. "You what?"

"I missed you," he says with a smile. "Just accept it and sleep."

He does.

 

 

 

M is back in China, and when Baekhyun moves to follow Kyungsoo into his room, the younger turns and says, "I think I should sleep alone."

Baekhyun almost looks shocked. Almost. "Okay," he says.

And that is it.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo struggles to sleep that night and many nights after, and Baekhyun always absentmindedly walks with him to his room before he remembers, but that is it.


	2. Comeback Kid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Comeback Kid](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0p9rs1R4EBk): fluff/humor, girl!EXO au, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This drabble is basically me going: Friendship!!!!!! Friends!!!! Loving and caring for each other!!!!!!

_Like a bottle that runs dry before you've even had a drink_

 

* * *

 

Kyungsoo is blessed with parents who are in tune with her moods and know when it’s a good time to be stern and tell her to buck up, or when it’s a good time to let her pop five bags of popcorn and marathon Prince of Tennis in the living room. She has eight bags out today, so they wisely look up movie theater times and leave before Seigaku steps out to face some kids in purple uniforms.

She doesn’t realize they’ve left until she goes to the kitchen for a drink and finds their note next to the fridge. They left maybe an hour ago—she’s not sure how much time has passed. She checks her phone in case she’s missed anything else and finds she has unread texts from five different people:

  

> **Jongin**  
>  How did it go?   **14:02**  
>    
>  **Jongin**  
>  You okay?   **14:03**

 

> **Joonmyun**  
>  How are you feeling?   **14:11**

 

> **Baekhyun**  
>  so… what happened?   **14:15**

 

> **Chanyeol**  
>  hey hey whats up?   **14:20**

 

> **Yixing**  
>  we’re starting to get worried :c text back please   **14:26**

 

> **Jongin**  
>  We ll all be there in an hour  
>  Dont eat all the popcorn urself.   **14:48**

 

> **Baekhyun**  
>  i have pizza and im going to break down your door if you dont answer  
>  be prepared   **15:20**

 

She glances at the clock—it’s 3:30 PM now. Where’s her pizza, dammit?

As if that thought is magic, her doorbell rings and Baekhyun and Jongin are standing outside her door with three large pizzas in hand.

“Why do you have three?” she asks, monotone.

“Well, hello to you too,” Baekhyun replies.

“What makes you think I can eat three pizzas?”

“What makes _you_ think you can eat two, four… eight bags of popcorn?” Baekhyun jokes back, cheeky smile on her face. But she doesn’t get the usual response of a kick to the shins.

Jongin sees Kyungsoo’s bottom lip start to tremble, and she pushes the boxes towards Baekhyun in lieu of hugging her friend. “You can eat whatever you want, unnie,” she comforts, pulling the other with her to lie on the couch.

Baekhyun sets up the food and drinks on the dining table, rambling, “There are eight, maybe nine, of us and we all want to pig out. Where’s the popcorn, I’ll pop more. Is this enough soda? We only got two bottles. We can’t drink all of that, right?”

Kyungsoo lets out a weak whimper, face buried in Jongin’s arm. The younger brings her legs around her so that she is holding Kyungsoo like a koala latches onto a tree. She squeezes harder, like that will hold her together.

Not too long after, Baekhyun welcomes Joonmyun and Jongdae into the house, followed by Chanyeol, Sehun, and Zitao. Yixing is the last to arrive, bringing lots and lots of ice cream and lots and lots of hugs. Kyungsoo is still wrapped in a Jongin burrito with Joonmyun and Chanyeol fretting over her, so Yixing sits next to her and pats her head. At this point she is too tired for emotions and just stares blankly at them all.

“Hello?” she hears a scratchy voice say. “One second, jie,” Zitao says as she places her laptop on the coffee table in front of her.

Lu Han smiles back at her, Minseok and Yifan huddled under blankets not too far behind. “Hi, sweetie! How are you doing? Do we need to come back and kick someone’s ass?”

At that, Kyungsoo finds herself overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the amount of food on her table, the amount of people in her house, and, mostly, the amount of anger and hurt she feels directed at her stupid boyfriend—ex-boyfriend—it’s mostly anger really, she swears it didn’t hurt this much at first, she’s just angry—

She’s the only one not surprised when she bursts into tears.

 

* * *

 

Hours later, they’ve moved the coffee table and laid out every futon they could find in front of the television. Paper plates and plastic spoons litter the hardwood floor, chip crumbs crunch underneath their movement, and Baekhyun has lain down behind Kyungsoo on the couch, stroking the younger’s hair soothingly. She just stopped crying, having had a fit every once in a while until she eventually cried herself out.

"The grey-haired guy and the dude with the blue cap are definitely married."

“YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN REAL LIFE.”

“It’s animation! It’s allowed to be a bit fantastical.”

“BUT IT SHOULD BE AT LEAST A LITTLE REALISTIC. TENNIS IS NOT MAGIC.”

Kyungsoo almost starts to drift off to her friends’ voices and Baekhyun’s touch, but Baekhyun catches her attention with a question. “What did he say?”

“I didn’t talk to him,” she mumbles.

“You just left his stuff on his doorstep?”

“Yeah.”

Baekhyun starts humming, and Kyungsoo loosens up even more. “Soonie,” she whispers. “I know he was your first boyfriend, and it probably feels like you’ll never ever like anyone ever, ever again, but trust me; everything will be okay.”

And Baekhyun would know. Kyungsoo remembers being in a position not too different from this one, with Chanyeol stroking Baekhyun’s hair and Jongdae massaging her shoulders. Yixing had bought ice cream then, too, Joonmyun bought jjajangmyeon and fried chicken, and their three eldest friends gave all of them love-life advice.

Baekhyun repeats much of the same things to her now, laying her cheek against the Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “And all the things he made you doubt about yourself will fade away, because someone will love every little thing about you, you know?” She holds one of Kyungsoo’s hands in front of their owner’s face. “They won’t look at your hands and call you dainty.”

Kyungsoo closes her eyes, trying to shut out the memories. Small hands, he called them. Small hands to protect and hold. “They won’t look at your arms and call you weak.” Thin arms that shouldn’t have to carry anything heavy. “They won’t look at your legs and call you fat.” Thick thighs that were a sign she wasn’t taking care of herself.

“They won’t treat you like a kid just because you’re younger.” There were so many things he had said that made her feel small and insignificant and she hadn’t known why. She’d thought she was being too sensitive, that she should be lucky to have such a caring and attentive boyfriend. He would pull out her chair for her, carry her books for her, text her good morning to remind her not to be late for school, text her goodnight to remind her to go to bed—he was definitely attentive.

Then it was his senior year, two months before his graduation, and he had said, “I won’t have time to take care of you while I’m in college.”

She wanted to slap him. She hadn’t dated him for a year and a half because she wanted to be taken care of, she didn’t _need_ to be taken care of. She was only a few years younger than him, but in that moment she realized that was all he saw her as. A kid that couldn’t even walk on her own.

She gladly stuffed all his things into a box and plopped it on his doorstep. She had taken it well, considering Chanyeol had suggested burning everything. But when she had been surrounded by all her friends earlier—even her friends away at college—all her friends wanting to take care of her, she had felt like a child and felt like he had been right.

And here is Baekhyun, telling her he was wrong.

“These hands," she says, "these hands have made senior boys cry. These arms have nearly knocked Chanyeol out. These legs--well they're just really great, I say." She pinches Kyungsoo's thigh for good measure.

"And you are not some little kid. You are our Kyungsoo, kind with a bit of a mean streak sometimes. Our Kyungsoo who we can trust to punch jerks in the balls when they treat her friends badly. Our smart, strong, beautiful Kyungsoo."

Baekhyun feels the steady rise and fall of Kyungsoo's chest and listens to her breathing. Gently as she can, she lifts herself to look over the younger's shoulder. She is asleep, hand still threaded together with Baekhyun's, mouth open slightly as she exhales. Baekhyun can see she has started to drool. She looks ridiculous, but she still leaves a kiss on her cheek, whispering, "My beautiful Kyungsoo."

 

* * *

 

Her parents come home to find one pizza left, soda bottles open and all fizzled out, nearly empty ice cream tubs that now have more cream than ice, and their daughter snug and comfy on the living room floor surrounded by her friends.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (can you tell i'm a prince of tennis fan??)


	3. Guessing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Guessing:](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1A03783B-A) friends with benefits au

_Don't wanna say that I've been wasting my time (you stay up, I'm crashing down)_

 

* * *

It might be the wrong moment—he still has Kyungsoo's knees hooked over his shoulders—when he says it, but they’re still coming down from their high and neither of them can think straight. So he says, "I like you.” The younger man unfolds himself and Baekhyun cages him in, forearms resting on either side of his head.

"I like you, too?" Kyungsoo says, a bit sleepy now. He pats Baekhyun's naked butt. "Obviously?"

Baekhyun's mind is a little clearer; he should laugh it off. But he still says, "No, I mean, I like you. A lot. Like, a lot, a lot." He’s still getting a blank, sleepy look, so he adds, “Romantically. I like you romantically.”

There’s those wide eyes. Wide eyes avoiding him like the plague.

“Oh,” Kyungsoo says. He pulls the sheets closer as if trying to cover himself. Especially his face, because wow is that red.

“Oh,” Baekhyun says back. Kyungsoo still won’t look him in the eye, probably because he is still on top of him and they’re both naked and he just confessed. Even though he’s in the perfect position to do so, he doesn’t make Kyungsoo look at him. Instead, he moves to sit beside him.

Kyungsoo sits up and looks down at his hands in his lap, discreetly trying to cover his crotch. It's ridiculous; Baekhyun's well acquainted with his nether regions.

"What do you want me to say, Baekhyun?"

"Nothing," he responds quickly, not wanting to lose what small opportunity he sees before him. "You don't have to say anything. I just thought you should know, is all."

"Just thought I should know," the other repeats.

Baekhyun nods. "If we're gonna keep this whole thing going, then total honesty is necessary. At least on this front."

"You mean on the front of wanting to be _more_ than friends-with-benefits."

"I never said that, I just said I like you romantically."

Kyungsoo gives him that judgmental look he usually gives to Jongin when he spoils his dogs or to Junmyeon when he spoils Jongin. "You like me romantically, but you're not interested in pursuing me romantically?"

Baekhyun flops back on the bed. "I cannot answer that question, since I already said you don't have to say anything. Answering that question will force you to have to say something, and that will change everything."

He turns his head to look at Kyungsoo. The younger sits with his chin resting on his knees, thinking. He has the sheets pulled over himself, and from that Baekhyun knows he will have to leave soon. "Everything?" Kyungsoo mumbles to himself.

"It looks like I've killed the mood," Baekhyun says. Kyungsoo jerks his head up.

"What?"

"I'm guessing there won't be a round two?"

Kyungsoo kicks him. "No, no round two," he laughs.

Baekhyun smiles, glad to see he's not treating him any differently. He starts putting on his clothes. "Wanna order takeout before I leave?" he asks, wanting to stay a little longer.

He feels the air in the room shift, and when he looks at Kyungsoo he sees a stiff smile. "No thanks, I'm good."

"You sure?" Baekhyun questions, but he's not really asking about food.

"I'm sure."

Before he steps out, he crawls up the bed and curls his hand around Kyungsoo's shoulder. He leans in for only a quick peck, but Kyungsoo tangles his fingers in his hair and holds him there for a few seconds. These are Baekhyun's favorite kisses, the quiet, unhurried ones. They may not lead to clothes strewn on the floor, but they have his heart racing just the same.

"I'll see you," he says with a satisfied smile.

"Goodbye. Get home safe."

Baekhyun leaves with an itching fear in the back of his mind.

 

* * *

 

The itch becomes a slap in the face.

He hasn't seen, much less talked to Kyungsoo in weeks. But his roommate Chanyeol will come home every few days and talk about having lunch with some of their friends. He always mentions Kyungsoo, before he realizes whose name he had said and quickly changes subjects.

Baekhyun glowers at his desk after a month of no communication. His coworkers actively avoid making eye contact with him, noting the handle of his mug that broke off when he slammed his drink onto his desk a little too hard.

He's not angry; anger doesn't seem to encompass the emotions running through him. Upset, maybe. Upset sounds about right, because he is angry, confused, dejected, and ultimately, he's sad. He's never been this out of touch with Kyungsoo since meeting the man. And if the "with-benefits" part of their relationship had ended that night, he had hoped the "friends" part was still okay.

It's not okay, and he's not okay, Chanyeol tells him. "You two need to talk."

"He has to talk to me first," Baekhyun says, pout evident in his voice. Chanyeol opts not to look, lest he be swayed by the pout.

"Urgh," he groans. "He said the same thing. This isn't good for either of you. Have you looked at yourself lately? Don't answer that. Just—just go take a shower, comb your hair, and march over to that boy's apartment and do whatever it is you guys do at your little sleepovers."

"You wouldn't like what we do at our sleepovers. It would taint the angelic image you have in your mind of Kyungsoo."

"That's fine, aren't you guys dating?"

Baekhyun throws a pillow at him.

"Oh? ...Oh! Okay. Sorry."

 

* * *

 

Baekhyun showers, combs his hair, and marches over to Kyungsoo’s apartment, knocking _shave-and-a-haircut_.

The responding _two-bits_ tells him it’s not Kyungsoo answering the door, and he’s right, it’s Sehun, of all people. “Hi, hyung,” Sehun says.

Oh Sehun, of all people.

“Hi, Sehun.” Why Sehun?

“You look surprised.”

“No, I look great.”

“Right.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Yah,” another voice calls out, Jongin comes to the door. “Who is it? Oh! Hi, hyung!”

Baekhyun is immensely relieved Jongin’s there, too. “Hi, Jongin. Is Kyungsoo home?”

“He is. Give me a sec. Come on in!”

He and Sehun sit on the couch while Jongin goes to knock on Kyungsoo’s door. He can’t tell if Sehun’s judging him or if he’s staring blankly. His resting face looks judgmental.

“So,” Baekhyun starts.

With a smirk, Sehun interjects, “You thought I was here to see Kyungsoo.”

“No, what are you talking about,” he says a little too quickly. Sehun just sits there with a smug look on his face. It stays as Jongin drags him out of the apartment, the little shit walking backwards and wiggling his eyebrows while not at all subtly gesturing from him to Kyungsoo sitting in the chair next to him.

They’re both tense now that the other two have left. The air is heavy, saturated with tension that’s not completely sexual. They can’t even look at each other.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo says.

“Can we say anything but, ‘Hey.’ I think we’ve already been cliche enough,” Baekhyun grumbles.

“Okay, then. Why are you here?” Kyungsoo bites back.

“Because you haven’t said a word to me all month.”

Kyungsoo is taken aback by how hurt Baekhyun sounds. “I thought I didn’t have to say anything.”

“About me liking you, sure. But we’re still friends aren’t we? What are all these lunch dates with Chanyeol I keep hearing about?”

“They’re not _dates._ We go with everyone.”

“Everyone but me.”

“Everyone who’s available. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to be invited,” Kyungsoo says, exasperatedly. “I don’t know what you want from me anymore, Baekhyun. What am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t care what you do, as long as we’re still friends!” With a sigh, he continues, “I like you, Kyungsoo, and as long as I spend time with you, you could do nothing but watch your stupid tennis anime and I’d be happy.”

Kyungsoo blushes. “It’s not stupid.”

He chose _that_ out of his statements to focus on, so Baekhyun doesn’t feel like it’s worth a response. Kyungsoo can see he’s irritated. “Maybe you should leave,” he says, with no feeling behind it.

“Maybe I should,” Baekhyun responds, not moving at all.

After a few moments of uneasy silence, Kyungsoo moves to sit next to him on the couch and turns his head toward him. “Baekhyun,” he whispers, drawing closer.

“Kyungsoo,” he responds, bringing his hand up to the other’s collarbone. Whether it’s to stop him or pull him closer, he’s not sure.

“What are we now?” Kyungsoo asks.

“I don’t know. Whatever you want us to be, I guess.”

“I have to say something now, don’t I? What if it’s not the answer you want?”

“I’m not sure what I want, to be honest. Whether we keep this thing up, or don’t, or change it, I don’t know. I just know that I want moments like this.”

They sit, foreheads pressed together, still not meeting each other’s eyes.

Baekhyun wants to keep this moment. He wants to stay in this exact moment where they’re not moving forward or backward.

He might not know exactly what he wants, but he knows what will hurt and he doesn't want to hear that. Because Kyungsoo will bounce back quickly like he usually does when something throws him off balance. Or he'll at least look like he has bounced back, stoic expressions and all. But Baekhyun will tip over, turn into a wreck. He will probably be worse than he has been recently, and if either of them ruin their friendship after this, it will be Baekhyun. He wouldn't be able to look at Kyungsoo, and see how good he looks, how okay he is, and know that it didn't hurt him the same way it hurt Baekhyun.

So Baekhyun keeps this moment for as long as he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: i hate open endings  
> also me: [writes open endings]
> 
> come find me here [here](https://twitter.com/g_byesummer) on twitter and [here](http://gbyesummer.tumblr.com/)/[here](http://shouldshy.tumblr.com/) on tumblr and yell at me to write!


	4. Roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Roses:](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P48RCKp6iVU) chinguline-neighbors/childhood friends au, angst

_I miss the long nights (when our hearts were made of gold)_

 

* * *

 

Kyungsoo's day begins as it always does, when the sun rises.

He swings his legs off his bed and his feet land in his uniform slacks. He pulls them on as he stands, taking slow, sleepy steps to the bathroom.

(There's no blankets or pillows on the floor to get it in his way. No warm hands holding him back to ask him for five more minutes of sleep. Nobody slipping into the makeshift bed to convince his mother they had been sleeping on the floor the whole night, not next to Kyungsoo on his single bed.)

By the time he's dressed—in wrinkled uniform slacks but a neatly pressed white shirt, black tie, blazer—his mother has breakfast laid out on the kitchen table and his father has poured coffee for them all. His parents chatter with light voices as they eat, while Kyungsoo tries to put as much food into his mouth as he can.

(There's no socked foot pressed against his shin, trying to keep contact from where they sit across the small table. No fourth voice pulling him into his parents' conversation about news or whatever. No box-shaped smile praising his mother's cooking before warning that they have to hurry to school or they'd be late.)

"Meeting up with Chanyeol on the way?" his father asks.

Kyungsoo nods and says, "Yeah. Not Jongdae, though."

His mother scolds him about talking with his mouth full, but her own mouth is full as she says it. They try to cheer him up, in small ways like this.

His father leaves first, trying to start work early so he can leave early. His mother kisses him on the cheek as he hurries out. Kyungsoo continues eating.

(No voice telling him to hurry up as they pack their books still left out on the coffee table where they studied. No extra pair of hands helping his mother load the dishwasher.)

His mother leaves next, hugging him goodbye and reminding him to eat lunch, as if he ever forgets to. He's out the door not too long after.

He passes their house and doesn't wait, because he won't hear their voice telling him to  _slow down is he really that excited to get to school?_ He doesn't wait, because he isn't supposed to do that anymore.

(Too many things he hadn't even realized he had been doing, he isn't supposed to do anymore.)

He takes the same path to Chanyeol's house (but it's not the same, not without that second pair of footsteps, that second voice joining in his humming and singing, that hand that brushes against his, but doesn't take it because the neighbors could see and they had to be careful).

Chanyeol is already sitting on his front step, hair nicely combed down instead of its usual unruliness. He greets him with a small smile—all lips and no teeth—and lets Kyungsoo remain quiet as they walk the rest of the way to school. He talks, though, in a light tone similar to his parents' during breakfast.

(No third voice to join in his talking.)

School is as stress-inducing yet uneventful as it always is. Homeroom, first period, second, third, lunch (no one to eat lunch with him but Chanyeol, no one to trade the egg yolks for egg whites in his doshirak, no sharing strawberry and banana milk because Kyungsoo always wants to have both, no one to second Chanyeol's idea of ordering a cake to be delivered to school, no one to nag Jongdae about his bad eating habits.

(No one to press their side against his as they sit on the windowsill. No one to lean their head against his shoulder as they read the book he holds open on his lap.))

During fourth period, his teacher says, in that same light tone he's heard from everyone all day, "I'm surprised to see you today, Kyungsoo-yah. Kim Jongdae in my homeroom decided to stay home."

They had been allowed the day off school, but it's Senior Year, and no one takes days off in Senior Year. Jongdae only stayed home because—well, because it was hard (it was too hard,  _it was too damn hard_ to just  _sit here_ and —). She means well, tries to get him to talk, even the teachers can tell how unlike himself he's been since—

The day continues as it always does, until he and Chanyeol leave before evening study hall, before dinner, when the sun is still up and shining.

(Too bright. The sun is too bright—)

—It's too bright as they wait at the front gates for Kyungsoo's father to pick them up, and Chanyeol looks at him like he might break if he says the wrong thing.

He puts his backpack over his face after he straps his seatbelt on, because he can't deal with the  _fucking sun_ right now.

He can hear Chanyeol changing his jacket in the backseat, the calming voice of the radio host, his own breathing.

(No voice asking his father random questions, laughing at everything embarrassing the man says about Kyungsoo.

(He never knew you could miss someone this much, miss their voice, their hands, their eyes, their smile—))

His father pulls up to the building, and Kyungsoo doesn't feel ready. His feet are heavy as he gets out of the car, his arms pressed to his sides. His father sighs and helps him into his black blazer, throwing his school blazer into the back with Chanyeol's. He puts his hands on Kyungsoo's shoulders and squeezes, because what can he say?

(This is real, this is happening—has happened, it happened, and—)

And Kyungsoo thinks maybe he should have asked his mother to iron his slacks, too, if he had to wear them to this because he had decided to go to school for some reason. He should have just bought a new pair (but would it have mattered if Baekhyun wasn't there to help pick out the best ones, to keep him from buying more than he needed, to just keep him company, to hold his hand, to hold him together, Baekhyun wasn't there—)

—But he was there, in a casket, in a picture frame, smiling, the nicest haircut he had ever had for picture day, and Kyungsoo had run his fingers through it after the picture was taken, because it made Baekhyun look at him, made Baekhyun pinch his side in retaliation and kiss him to shut him up.

(No more kisses in alleyways where they knew no one can see them, in empty classrooms on Saturdays, after late weeknights studying when Baekhyun climbs into bed with him and they fall asleep to each other's voices

(No more hands massaging his shoulders, fingers fitting between his, palms sliding up his arms, nails trailing down his back

(No more, no one, nothing,  _nothing_ )))

In the funeral hall, he doesn't cry as loud as Baekhyun's parents, who have lost both their sons. During the burial, he doesn't cry as loud as Beom's girlfriend, doesn't even cry as loud as Jongdae, who has lost his best friend.

It's later, in that alleyway, those empty classrooms, underneath the covers in his room, that he cries, that he curses and screams, loud enough that his father comes into his room and holds him—holds him _down_ because something is chasing them in his nightmare, bright lights and roaring engines, and he's thrashing, kicking, trying to reach Baekhyun.

(holds him because he can't sleep, he can't, not when he's alone, not when he'll never see Baekhyun again)

 

* * *

 

"I'll be there soon," Baekhyun had said over the phone, sounding tired and annoyed. "Hyung just has to pick up _one more thing_ from the convenience store, then we're heading home, and I can head over to your place."

"I'll be waiting," Kyungsoo had said. "Bored out of my mind without you."

Baekhyun had laughed, and his brother must not have been close by because he said, "I miss you."

He had scoffed. "We hung out yesterday."

"Yeah, with our families, and I can't hold your hand in front of them. Just accept that I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

Kyungsoo had stayed up until the sun rose, waiting for Baekhyun. His mother came up to his room near midnight to ask if the other boy was still coming over, and Kyungsoo had said yes, he was, because Baekhyun had said he would, and he never stood him up, ever.

He finally decided to sleep once he saw the sky begin to brighten. It was a fitfull sleep, plagued with nightmares and his legs kicking at imagined fears, and he hadn't slept well at all.

At noon, their house phone had rang and Jongdae had knocked on their front door, hands shaking.

 

* * *

 

Kyungsoo still doesn't sleep well (doesn't think he'll ever sleep well again).

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope what i was trying to do with parentheses in this one made sense, i was confusing myself at one point
> 
> listening to this song was an experience, "oh, nice break up song yeah.... [gets to 2:35] wait... wait????"


	5. In Our Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [In Our Bones:](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8co0mecbwfg) fluff and slice of life

Baekhyun calls them _‘these days.'_ Days when work is particularly grueling on both of them and they come home to a long list of chores that should have been done the day before—but weren't, because that had been one of _'these days'_ too.

Days when that one asshole colleague of Baekhyun’s makes a distasteful joke at his expense, and Kyungsoo’s had another passive aggressive phone call with his mother—and when they go out for dinner someone sees them holding hands and glares or whispers to their friend.

Days when Kyungsoo has a fitful sleep and wakes Baekhyun two hours too early with an elbow to his gut—and harsh words are said until one of them ends up moving to the couch in the living room. Days when they feel like they haven't seen each other in ages, because Baekhyun had to go in to work early and Kyungsoo had to stay late, and they can't remember the last time they held each other just for the sake of holding.

On _‘these days,’_ one of them will turn to the other and say, “Let’s go to the park,” and depending on how badly they need to, the other will call a cab or grab their car keys, and they’ll go the long way, through the back roads that wind around the city until they reach the suburbs.

Sometimes, they’ll bring only their wallets and phones and jump on the next bus, like the first time Baekhyun convinced Kyungsoo to skip his evening class and go on a date with him. They’ll grab seats in the back and share earbuds as they listen to Baekhyun’s list of songs that remind him of Kyungsoo or Kyungsoo’s list of songs he wants to play at their wedding, if they ever get that chance. Neither knows the meaning behind the other’s playlist, just knows that the music makes the tension fall from their shoulders, makes Baekhyun lean his head against Kyungsoo’s as the bus jerks and sways with the traffic.

After half an hour, Baekhyun will start to fall asleep, head shifting down to rest on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. Kyungsoo will slip his hand into his, brush his thumb over his knuckles until his eyes flutter closed. Sometimes Baekhyun snores, sometimes he whines in his sleep, but he is always too cute for any of the other passengers to scold them. Kyungsoo will try to hide his smile and look out at the setting sun, instead smiling at the passing skyscrapers as they turn into two-story cookie-cutter homes and sidewalks winding through green grass.

At the last stop, he’ll shake Baekhyun awake, pat his cheek until Baekhyun looks up at him with eyes still seeing dreams. “We’re here,” he’ll say, and they’ll walk the last few blocks to their park.

They’ll walk along the edge of the small lake, wonder at the fountain in the center, guess how long they would have to save up until they could afford to buy a house instead of rent an apartment. Planning for the future, because they can’t imagine a future without each other, even if it doesn’t lead to a cookie-cutter home with a white-picket fence in a neighborhood that can afford to have green grass and a fountain in the middle of an acres-wide park.

They’ll sit in the shadow of the amphitheater and hold each other for the sake of holding, talk about their day in voices so low they’re more like breaths against their cheeks than speaking. Baekhyun won’t listen to what Kyungsoo says beyond the timbre of his voice. Kyungsoo won’t listen to what Baekhyun says beyond the light laughter interspersed with his story. Here they don’t care about that one asshole colleague or fitful sleeps, don’t think about chores or strangers who glare because they just don’t get it. Here they unload it all into the air, let their worries echo in the amphitheater before they die out with a stutter.

They’ll lie on the half-pipes and stare up at the moon, bodies tangled together for warmth because one of them will have forgotten their jacket. And Kyungsoo will turn his head to look at Baekhyun like that first time Baekhyun convinced him to skip his evening class and come here. But instead of “I like you, too,” he will say, “I love you.” And instead of a tentative brush of lips, Baekhyun will kiss him with all he can give.

Because _‘these days’_ are nothing in the long run, not when Kyungsoo already has a playlist of songs he wants to dance to at their wedding, not when the list of Baekhyun’s top played tracks is also the list of songs that remind him of Kyungsoo. Not when they’ve both been putting money away in an account to someday buy a house in the city.

Because these are just days among the years they’ve had and the years they will have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a million years and this is super short sorry .__.  
> this is the song that the title of the collection comes from, and it had me feeling poetic one day so this drabble happened
> 
> the next one will be a bit more fun, i swear


End file.
